I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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