rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
