if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize