Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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