I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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