I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
