i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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