sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
