my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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