What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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