literally had 100 drinks last night.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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