if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
