i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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