My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize