why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
