DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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