census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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