I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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