I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
