You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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