Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
