I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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