you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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