I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
