i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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