i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
