So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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