Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
