not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
