It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
