I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
