Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
