you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
