So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize