Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
if only i could text you this smell
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
