OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
