life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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