Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
