Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize