Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize