that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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