The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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