just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is Oprah even human
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
