god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
