Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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