Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
