Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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