I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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