Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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