My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
