Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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