John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
