So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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