I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
