he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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