That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
