Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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